.jpg)
Three years ago today we farewelled our first precious child. Our beautiful boy Banjo was born still at only 26 weeks on the 9th of July.
It was a heart wrenching time for Rob and I and all of our family and close friends. We had already been through so much. I had undergone 3 surgeries to get us ready for IVF but we had been lucky to fall pregnant on our first cycle.
Losing a child is so unexpected you cannot possibly be prepared. We felt such a range of emotions. I felt that my body had failed me. We wondered if we would ever be able to have a child of our own.
Today 3 years on we are one week away from celebrating Noah’s 2nd birthday. We were so blessed to fall pregnant again on our second cycle of IVF and Noah arrived exactly 54 weeks after the day I had given birth to Banjo.
We have not tended to dwell on what happened with Banjo – we count our blessings to have Noah and know that had circumstances been different this amazing, funny, kind, loving child that we have now may never have been born. Of course Banjo would have been all of these things too but Noah is special – there’s something about him that draws people to him and we are just the luckiest parents in the world.
We are currently facing a new challenge in our parenting journey as we attempt to come to terms with the very real fact that we never have another child. Since September last year we have been undergoing IVF – 5 rounds in all – including 2 more surgeries for me.
There are no medical explanations for why I could fall pregnant so easily twice before but now 4 years on – NOTHING. My wonderful doctor has advised us to take a long break. Give my body a chance to be in a state of ‘normal’ and think about if we would like to try again next year.
We do not know what the future holds but right now we are trying to come to a place of acceptance that it will just be the 3 of us. We need to think that way for our own sanity. The last 10 months has been full of so much hope and expectation and the letdown each month wreaks havoc with your emotions.
I think we’ll be OK. Some days are harder than others. Our family and friends continue to announce pregnancies or give birth to beautiful pink new babies and we are thrilled for them – but it hurts – it really hurts.
So today we remember Banjo, we revel in the joy of Noah and we hope with all our hearts we will be blessed again.
Hold your children close today - they are such a treat.
Hold your children close today - they are such a treat.
*** This beautiful picture was taken by Carly Marie from http://namesinthesand.blogspot.com/ and http://thebutterflybeach.blogspot.com/ She is a mum who lost a baby a wanted to make a difference for other parents who were suffering the loss of a child. Please read about her - she's amazing. Most importantly for me she takes the pictures at our local beach - the beach where my husband and I spent our childhoods.
What a heart wrenching post. To lose a child, to receive the gift of another beautiful child, to undergo the cycle of hope and heartache as you try each month for another. I hope you find peace and satisfaction in your future, whatever it may hold for you.
ReplyDeleteThis post resonates loudly within my heart.I am so glad you wrote about it on FYBF.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry for the loss of ~Banjo~, my daughter ~Charlotte ~was born still @26wks too in 2004.
I just wanted to say I care and I understand.
22 months later I gave birth to IVF twins Sam & Joel. They are now 4yrs old. We never thought we would have another baby (ies) when we lost ~Charlotte~
Yes, every day I give thanks for the blessing of them and revel in the joy of having them in my arms , though I carry Charlotte in heart always.
Kirsty - just found you thru FYBF.
ReplyDeleteThat was so beautifully written, and so difficult to read (in terms of what you have had to go through). I can't imagine just how hard it has been for you and your husband.
I wish you all the very best for the future, whatever it holds for you. xx
Wishing you all the luck, love and comfort in the world xx
ReplyDeleteBefore you get into this whole trying to conceive thing, having a baby seems like the most simple of things. You meet someone, fall in love, and then one day you stop the contraception and bam, baby on the way. It isn't until you get up close and personal with the whole experience that you realise just what a journey it can be. I really hope that the break does the trick for you, but if not, I hope you find peace and comfort in your family of three.
ReplyDeleteHi Kirsty, have just found your lovely blog through this week's FYBF. Your post struck a chord with me. We lost our firstborn as well (30 weeker but only survived four weeks). Our next daughter was born in 2006 and has just turned 4. I had my 13th pregnancy in January this year (all bar one were natural, one was a chem pg on the only IVF cycle that worked, in 2005).
ReplyDeleteI regret that our daughter may never have a younger sibling. Am full of regret and sorrow. But also feel SO VERY blessed, as you do, that we have her to fill every corner of our lives. Without her, I am quite sure I would have been beside myself by now.
The photo by Carly is breathtaking. She's a wonder, that one.