Monday 30 July 2007

Blog Functions

I've added some new features to this blog for anyone that is interested.

The first thing is all the various posts are now archived and listed by date and title for quick reference in the sidebar. This will help if you are looking for something in particular rather than having to read through every post. (especially now that they are growing in number)

Secondly there is an icon at the end of each post (near the icon you use to leave comments) which will enable you to forward a particular post to someone via email. I know some of you were forwarding posts off for other friends and family - this will be a shortcut to do that.

Happy reading X Kirsty

Sunday 29 July 2007

Being Pregnant

I loved being pregnant. I felt beautiful and confident and like my whole life was perfect. Ever since I got pregnant I have been floating on a cloud. Almost nothing could bother me or upset me I felt like the most blessed woman in the world. (Part of that was also the pure joy of marrying the man of my dreams)

Ever since I was a little girl all I ever wanted for myself in life was to be married and have kids.

Is it wrong that I miss the actual status of being pregnant almost as much as I miss Banjo and the dream of starting a family??

Saturday 28 July 2007

Baby Boom

I see pregnant women everywhere. They are my friends and they're strangers. I don't feel jealous or angry I just wonder if they know how lucky they are.

For me being pregnant and then losing the baby was like someone telling me I had won the lottery but then on the way to pick up the money I lost the ticket.

I had a life long dream in arms reach and then it was gone.

Friday 27 July 2007

What Happened??

I knew something was wrong. Call it woman's intuition. Call it mother's intuition. Call it whatever you want. Nothing was wrong physically. I just had a feeling. Then for several days I didn't feel the baby move and I was sure. I messaged my friend Helen and asked her if she thought I should see a Dr or if I was just being paranoid and crazy. She advised me to call the hospital so I did and they told me to come in right away.

I don't remember walking through the hospital or riding upstairs in the elevator, but I do remember waiting on the bed for a Doctor. The nurse put the doppler on my tummy to listen to the baby's heartbeat - there was no sound. She tried to stay positive and told us it could be because of the position of the placenta - but I knew it was over. The dream of 6 months wasn't going to come true. Then the Senior Registrar came with the ultrasound machine and started looking. She didn't say a word but Rob and I could see there was no heartbeat. When you've looked at those pictures so many times before and seen that little black spot pulsating you know when it's missing. Nobody said a word - I started screaming and Rob and I were crying and just like that with no words spoken we knew our baby was gone.

Families were called and we were transferred to a birthing suite to wait for the OB. It's all a blur. For those of you who have never been through this, you can't imagine the range of emotions you go through. Guilt. Did I do something to hurt the baby? Did I eat the wrong thing? This wouldn't be happening if I had noticed the baby's movements stopping earlier. Anger. Why is this happening to us? Haven't we been through enough? I wanted to scream at the universe "I'VE LEARNED ENOUGH LESSONS! Sadness. I won't be pregnant in a few days.

Dr Isdale arrived and told us that it was a one in a thousand thing that had happened and that there was no way anyone could have predicted it happening or stopped it from happening. It wasn't related to my endometriosis or IVF it could have happened to anyone. She told us I would be induced and deliver the baby it could take 2 - 3 days.

Kirsty's Update

I've placed a full copy of Banjo's funeral service and all the readings in my last post for anyone that is interested in looking at it.

It sounds strange but it was a beautiful day, despite being heart wrenching and devastating, because it was his one special day. Banjo will never celebrate Christmas or have a birthday party but on Monday July 16th over 60 people came to celebrate his short life and the happiness he has given us all.

It's almost 3 weeks now since we found out that we were going to lose our much loved and anticipated baby and we are doing our best to survive and sometimes we succeed in doing a bit better than that.

Thank you all for your continuing care and concern and endless love and support it really helps us to face each new day and try to look forward.

Funeral Service

For those of you who couldn't make it to Banjo's funeral I thought you may like to see the service and the readings that were given on the day.

Thank you all for coming this morning on this very sad occasion. My name is Lana and I’m a friend of Rob and Kirsty’s and the whole Beggs Family. The following ceremony was written by Maggie Dent who was not only Rob and Kirsty’s Marriage Celebrant but has become a very dear friend. She could not be here today and I have been asked to say the following words on her behalf.

We have gathered here this morning with heavy hearts to farewell a beautiful baby boy whose beloved Mum and Dad, Kirsty and Rob have named Banjo Arthur.
Little Banjo has been an enormous part of his parents’ life for all these months of waiting and not only was he eagerly awaited by his parents but also by his grandparents, great grandparents,, his aunties, uncles, cousins and other family and friends.

Grieving the loss of someone we love takes time and much love and compassion is needed by those closest to us for us to come to a place of acceptance, to a place when our heart no longer aches with the cutting pain that is only known to those who have walked this journey no one ever wants to take. The loss of a baby or child is not how life is meant to go. We expect our children to farewell us when we are old and weary not for us to farewell our children.

All people struggle to come to terms with the loss of young children and thus the loss of a new born baby is even more incomprehensible. Maybe we are not meant to understand or make sense of this tragedy. Maybe we are meant to simply focus on being a genuine part of the journey to recovery, and renewal. Maybe there are some things that happen in life that simply challenge the very fibre of our being because we cannot explain or rationalize the “why” and maybe they encourage and develop in us a deeper depth of character and understanding of life and ourselves.

Rob and Kirsty wanted to farewell their precious Banjo from our world in a loving and gentle way amongst those people who are most special in their lives. They very much want to acknowledge and honour their little son’s life even though it has been so brief.

Death can never take from anyone the experience of loving, of having been loved. Love continues beyond death and Banjo’s name needs to be spoken of openly and with love, without a hint of a shadow as he will always be a part of Rob and Kirsty’s lives. He was wanted and eagerly awaited with hope and with optimism. This young couple have drawn strength and courage from each other and have been deeply loved and supported by all of you here this morning. They thank you all sincerely and have chosen the following poem to capture Banjo’s life.

Angel’s Footprint (Read by Kirsty)



May I invite you to spend a few moments in quiet reflection on Banjo and of how his short life has touched and enriched yours.

Rob’s Reading (Letter to Banjo from John De Roach)

Dear Banjo

This is a letter to you from your Granddad, or Grandpa or Pa. I’m not sure what you would have called me, but whatever it was I would have loved it.

I want to say how happy I am that you touched my life, from the moment I heard you were on your way, until the moment I had the joy of holding you in my arms, just after you were born. I am so happy that I met you, and I wish you could have got to know me.

I had lots of plans for us, starting with reciting lots of Australian poetry to you and reading to you while you fell asleep. I was secretly hoping that you would be a light sleeper so that I would have to spend a good deal of time doing this.

We would have spent lots of time playing and walking on the beach, and I would have shown you how to bob over the waves. I know you would have grown to love Paul Kelly, Jimmy Buffet and the Divinyls and you would have been under great pressure to be a Carlton supporter. I wouldn’t have made the same mistake I made with your Dad, and I would have bought you a train set for your first birthday.

I am really sad that your whole big extended family will not have the pleasure of sharing your life with you as you grow up, and I am especially sad for myself.

I will never forget sharing your birth with you and seeing you for the first time. You have the most beautiful long fingers and toes. The ninth of July will always be your birthday and I will always have a photo of you displayed unobtrusively in my house for me.

Thank you, Sir, for coming and seeing us.

I so wished you could have stayed longer but wishing will never make it so, so I count my blessings and am thankful for the joy you brought me and the memories you have left with me always.

Lots of Love, Pa

Kirsty’s Reading (A letter I wrote to Banjo on the night after I had delivered him)

Dear Banjo

I want you to know that as your Mummy I have experienced 25 weeks of the purest happiness I have ever felt in my life.

I will never forget the elation when Daddy and I found out you were the tiniest beginnings of life forming inside me. Then all the stages of your short life were such happy milestones for us as a family.

Daddy and I were cuddled up in bed when I first felt your little body move inside of mine. It was the most magical physical experience I’ve had feeling your daily gymnastics taking place.

I am so sad and heartbroken that you never had a chance to feel the sun from this earth on your beautiful face.

Daddy and I had so many dreams and plans for our lives together as a threesome. We looked forward to lazy Sunday mornings in bed with you snuggled between us. We longed to take you to the beach and the zoo and all our favourite places. I couldn’t wait to read you a hundred books and Daddy wanted to build cities of Lego with you.

You will be our treasured child always. Our first born and number 1 son.

Thank you for coming to us although it was too short a time.

I love you.

Gentle One (Pam to read)

You were with us for such a short time
And yet have touched our lives in so many ways
You are a gift of the love
Between two special people
A gift to show that the miracle of birth is not
Something small or ordinary,
It is a miracle

You are a symbol of togetherness
And connectedness of those we love
This powerful symbol has activated
And deepened the love and affection of
Those who really matter in our lives

You are a blessing of all that is good,
Beautiful and special in life.
This blessing will remind us all
Of the fragility and sacredness of the
Gift of life.

Little Banjo, beloved son of Rob and Kirsty
We thank you for the gift, the symbol and the blessing
Of your tiny life.
May we all keep these special reminders
Deep in our hearts, minds and souls.

Journey softly, little one
Until we meet again.

Rob and Kirsty would like to play you this song that was written and recorded by Devon who is not only a lovely friend but a beautiful midwife.

(Play Music – We Dreamed of You by Devon Plumley)


Rob and I wanted to release these balloons 1 for each week of Banjo’s life because balloons are usually associated with children and happy times. This 1 butterfly balloon symbolises his spirit being freed from this earth and we want always to associate the beauty of the butterfly with Banjo.

(A butterfly lights beside us like a sunbeam
And for a brief moment it’s glory and beauty belong to our world.
But then it flies on again, and though we wish it could have stayed,
We feel so lucky to have seen it.)

It is now time for us to farewell Banjo’s tiny body with deep love and respect. Rob and Kirsty believe that his special little soul has been freed from our world and this final formality will symbolise that life will start anew with his presence in an invisible and yet positive way.

(This was the end of the service and Rob and I lowered his little coffin into the ground and we all placed our items in to keep him safe. There were lots of teddy bears and flowers and cards and letters and Abbey gave him a toy car)

Wednesday 11 July 2007

Farewell to our Angel

Our son arrived too early in a stillborn delivery 12.45pm Monday July 9th, 2007. After learning the news of his death on Sunday his arrival on Monday was beautiful and peaceful and everything we could have hoped for in the most awful of circumstances. His grandparents Pam and Tom Beggs and John De Roach were present to welcome him with Rob and I and all of us plus Mal De Roach and John Nicholson were able to hold him and tell him how loved he was and always will be.

A funeral will be held for Banjo on Monday at 10am in Zamia Court Gardens, Pinnaroo Valley Memorial Park. All are welcome.

A morning tea to honour and celebrate the happiness he has brought us all will follow at his Pa's home.

Thank you all for the outpouring of love and support. We are truly honoured to have such wonderful family and friends and to know that our son is so treasured.

We will continue to write this journal through our mourning and our ongoing journey towards a healthy pregnancy. Please leave us your comments and thoughts at any time - they mean so much.

Love Kirsty and Rob

Daddy's Note Goodbye

I have been meaning to write on here for so long and now I'm afraid it's too late. I'm so sorry to let everyone know that unfortunately we have lost our little baby boy - Banjo.

This was supposed to be the first note of many and I wanted to write so many things about my little guy and family- it still will be and I still will.

Banjo, more than anything else I just want you to know how much you were loved by your mummy and me. You have made the last six months the most enjoyable time of our whole lives. We will cherish every single moment of happiness that you brought us. Just know that while we are so very very sad that you had to leave, we will continue to be happy and grateful for your presence in our lives forever.

For me, personally, I was just so excited and looking forward to being your dad. We had just settled on your pram and although I resisted, your mummy convinced me to buy you a little beanie and t-shirt with trucks on it (even though we didn't yet know you were a boy - I'm so glad to let your mummy win sometimes). Making up your little nursery is probably my proudest accomplishment ever... I so wanted you to use, enjoy and cry in it little mate and I'm just so so sad that you never will. Be sure that your next little brother or sister will know that it's a hand-me-down from their big brother...

Finally (for now), please know that I have never seen your mummy happier than when she was with you. You completed her and our family in a way that I never imagined possible. Having you in our lives has made our hearts stronger and that precious gift will always remain. Thank you mate.

I love you so much Banjo, we will continue this little blog in your memory... and I hope you don't mind me sharing you (and your little hands and feet) with the world...

Monday 2 July 2007

15 weeks to go

Today marks 24 weeks and 4 days - in theory only 15 weeks to go. Not much to report as far as the pregnancy goes except I had a bit of a resurgence of morning sickness last week which was a bit of a shock to the system!! I spoke to the Maternity nurse and she assured me it's quite normal for nausea to come and go at any time throughout the 40 weeks. I went in for a check up anyway and all is well - nice low blood pressure, good iron levels etc. I got to listen to the baby's heartbeat on the Doppler for the first time which was really great and it was nice and strong.

The baby moves around all the time which is lovely. Not only does it help reassure everything is fine it's also nice feeling that physical connection.

Rob and I went to Brodie's 1st birthday party yesterday (my cousin Mandy's son). It was so much fun and it made us really excited about all those milestones and celebrations ahead of us. Both of us just can't wait till the baby arrives and we can meet this little person that we already love so much.


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