Sunday, 30 October 2011

The Night Before

The time has finally come.  I'm heading off to bed soon and when I wake up it's off bright and early to the hospital.  Our new baby boy will be making his grand entrance at around 9am.  We are all very excited.

I'm not at all nervous about the C Section but I will be waiting with bated breath to see if our boy comes out healthy and ready to face the world without any medical intervention.  After Noah and I being separated for the first days of his life (in two separate hospitals) I am very hopeful of a different outcome this time.

We have had a wonderful family weekend.  The added bonus of a long weekend here in Perth has meant 3 days of action packed fun.  Beach, Playgrounds, Fremantle, CHOGM, Lazy Breakfasts, Cafe Breakfasts, Tapas, Drinks in the sun - you name it we've squeezed it in.  It has been special to enjoy this time just the 3 of us hanging out together like we love to do.

I can't wait to meet my boy in the morning but beyond myself I am bursting to see Noah meet his baby brother.  I just know he will be in love at first sight and I look forward to watching all of their brotherly love and adventures ahead.

Rob or I will be back soon with lots of pictures and all the news.  See you on the other side.

Saturday, 22 October 2011

Sometimes with toddlers you find yourself in a conversation so unexpected all you can do is dive right in and hope for the best.

A few nights ago we were reading bedtime stories and we read Moo-Cow Kung-Fu-Cow and in the story there is mention of tattoos which lead to a discussion about Mummy and Daddy's tattoos and in particular one on Daddy's arm that has the name of our first son who was stillborn - Banjo.

We have never really laboured this event with Noah and we certainly don't discuss it regularly and definitely not in a sad way.  We have however been open with him.  We have a big gum tree in our backyard with a plaque for Banjo and there is a teddy bear with his name and birth date printed on (Noah also has one of those for his birth).  We do visit the cemetary a couple of times a year.  We have kept the facts pretty light for him.  'Mummy had a baby boy in her tummy before you and he was sick so he went to Heaven to be an angel.'

This particular conversation started the same way but the questions just kept coming.  They Why's were never ending and I patiently answered them all - keeping things simple and light.  I guess he is getting to the age where the concept of death is solidifying for him.  We recently saw the Lion King and of course the death of Mufasa was a major storyline and it may even have started this whole interest.

At one stage he asked for Banjo's bear in bed with him for a snuggle and I could see he was getting teary, I was not showing any sadness so it amazes me that his little mind is processing this concept and understanding the emotions that go with it.  He's only just turned 3.

Eventually I managed to wind up the conversation and said goodnight but as I walked to the door to leave his room he started sobbing.  There is only one other time I have seen Noah genuinely cry and that was when he saw me cry.  We get the hurt cry and the 'sad that I got told off or can't get what I want' cry but this was different.  My heart broke in two - he was wailing by now with cries of  'Mummy why did Banjo leave us'  'Why did he have to go'. ' I love Banjo the best'. He was inconsolable. All I could do was hold him.

He was very confused by his own emotions and even asked me at one stage why he felt so sad.  I told him that's it's because he is a beautiful boy with a huge heart full of love and it's all true.  His capacity for love, kindness and compassion amazes me every day.

Eventually he calmed down and went to sleep and since then he has asked more questions but thankfully no repeats of the emotions of that night.

Is 3 too young to know about death? How much information do you think is the right amount?

Sunday, 2 October 2011

Pregnancy, Infertility and Loss

I wrote a post last week about my pregnancy so far - it was very positive and upbeat but I never got around to publishing it.  Then we had a very traumatic weekend where we felt very uncertain about the safety of our unborn baby and went through a lot of stress.  It is never far from our minds that we lost our first son and it certainly adds an extra dimension of worry and stress to pregnancy.  The fear that it could happen again is sometimes overwhelming.  It's something that is part of my life, everyday during my pregnancy I wait for those little movements. I count them, I analyse them.  They are the only element of control I feel like I have.  My Obstetrician is amazing - she has 100% faith in me, if I'm worried she takes it seriously.  So last weekend we had two visits to the hospital to undergo ultrasound and foetal monitoring - both times all was fine.  Seeing that my stress levels are peaking my OB has now commenced twice weekly CTG (foetal heart rate monitoring) sessions as well as weekly visits.  I have also undergone the steroid injections to help mature this little guys lungs just in case we decide to bring him into the wide world even earlier than already planned.

The idea of so much intervention would be abhorrent to many people I know.  It is to me also, but in the end I will take a a baby in my arms over the grim alternative no matter what it takes.  I am pregnant through the miracle of science and I will use that same science whenever it is required even if it is not my perfect dream scenario.  In the end I will have my perfect dream baby.

Here's last weeks unpublished post too

When you're pregnant the first time around - being pregnant is pretty much the focus of your life.  It's all about you and how precious and clever you are growing this new life inside you.  The second time (or beyond) there is a child (or children) to care for and it's easy to forget the pregnancy completely.  Much like the universal complaint that subsequent children are less photographed so too the pregnancy is far less documented.  The first 2 times around I recorded every little detail, every appointment, every milestone.

So on that note I thought it only fair that this little boy who will join our family in only a few weeks get some attention.  The first thing about this pregnancy is that I have been really well - I don't think I have had one single episode of true morning sickness.  Sure I've had days where I've felt off or the thought of certain foods made my stomach churn but at least 95% of the time I've been fighting fit.

I have been injecting blood thinners daily this time as before but that's a very small price to pay.  Let's be real - I've had about 10 rounds of IVF, an induced birth and a Caesar - not much could phase me anymore.

All of our tests have been really positive.  Our first trimester screening gave us a 1 in 641 result so need for an amnio this time around - a stress I was glad to avoid.

This bub is a mover and a shaker - boy does he wriggle and we've all had great delight feeling him move and watching Mummy's tummy do some pretty cool alien tricks as hands and feet poke out to say hi.

All in all a great pregnancy.  We all just can't wait to meet this new little boy and discover everything there is to know about him.


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