What Happened??

I knew something was wrong. Call it woman's intuition. Call it mother's intuition. Call it whatever you want. Nothing was wrong physically. I just had a feeling. Then for several days I didn't feel the baby move and I was sure. I messaged my friend Helen and asked her if she thought I should see a Dr or if I was just being paranoid and crazy. She advised me to call the hospital so I did and they told me to come in right away.

I don't remember walking through the hospital or riding upstairs in the elevator, but I do remember waiting on the bed for a Doctor. The nurse put the doppler on my tummy to listen to the baby's heartbeat - there was no sound. She tried to stay positive and told us it could be because of the position of the placenta - but I knew it was over. The dream of 6 months wasn't going to come true. Then the Senior Registrar came with the ultrasound machine and started looking. She didn't say a word but Rob and I could see there was no heartbeat. When you've looked at those pictures so many times before and seen that little black spot pulsating you know when it's missing. Nobody said a word - I started screaming and Rob and I were crying and just like that with no words spoken we knew our baby was gone.

Families were called and we were transferred to a birthing suite to wait for the OB. It's all a blur. For those of you who have never been through this, you can't imagine the range of emotions you go through. Guilt. Did I do something to hurt the baby? Did I eat the wrong thing? This wouldn't be happening if I had noticed the baby's movements stopping earlier. Anger. Why is this happening to us? Haven't we been through enough? I wanted to scream at the universe "I'VE LEARNED ENOUGH LESSONS! Sadness. I won't be pregnant in a few days.

Dr Isdale arrived and told us that it was a one in a thousand thing that had happened and that there was no way anyone could have predicted it happening or stopped it from happening. It wasn't related to my endometriosis or IVF it could have happened to anyone. She told us I would be induced and deliver the baby it could take 2 - 3 days.