I see pregnant women everywhere. They are my friends and they're strangers. I don't feel jealous or angry I just wonder if they know how lucky they are.
For me being pregnant and then losing the baby was like someone telling me I had won the lottery but then on the way to pick up the money I lost the ticket.
I had a life long dream in arms reach and then it was gone.
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Hi Kirsty,
ReplyDeleteAfter we lost Daniel and Valentina, it seemed as though God was punishing us even more by making sure there were pregnant women EVERYWHERE we went. It was bad enough losing two babies, but then having to face all these women day in and day out was a constant reminder of our loss. Like you said in your post, you want to go up and tell each and every one of them of the wonderful blessing they have been given and to cherish every second and never, ever take it for granted. I was a little more selfish than you and was extremely jealous of every pregnant woman around me and wished that it was me with that belly each and every time. When we finally conceived Xander and I was wobbling around with my big belly, every time a woman would look at me I would almost feel guilty as it brought me back to when I was the one looking on, envious of what I thought we would never have again. I know I've said it to you before, but you will never, ever forget your little Banjo. I do promise you though that time will definitely heal your pain and you will get to that place where you feel good about life again and will feel ready to embark on giving Banjo a little brother or sister. And when it happens, it will feel bigger than life and you will treasure that pregnancy and that little life growing inside you more than you thought was ever possible. We still don't know the answer to why God gives us these miracles and then takes them away, and we probably will never know, but all I know is that you grow from it as a person and it makes you a better person. You learn that life is precious, that you should never take it for granted and that the simplest things in life are the most important. Life, love, family, friends and being surrounded by happiness are what makes the world go round and everything else just seems less important these days. I no longer worry about wearing designer clothes, having the latest hair style, or what car I drive - I have my health, my beautiful family, my friends and now, my three gorgeous babies and I couldn't be happier. I still miss my little boy and little girl terribly, and I wish they were here with us, but I am happy knowing they are in Heaven looking after Banjo and we will one day meet them all again. Until then, they have taught us the importance of life and that was a lesson I really needed to learn.
To all of you who are reading this, never take your babies for granted, no matter how old they are and remember how precious life is. Kiss them 'goodnight' every night and tell them how much you love them as often as you can.
Sorry to ramble, but I think it's important for you to know that what you're feeling is soooo normal and you're not alone. You have every right to feel angry, jealous, frustrated and every other emotion in-between, but I promise you that you will feel them all a little less every day until you wake one morning and you'll feel like YOU again.
The love you guys have for eachother will get you through this, but some days will be worse than others along the way. I am always here for you and I look forward to catching up with you for that elusive coffee!