Tomorrow is the day we've been waiting for - the chance to get pregnant again and finally have our little family. I can't believe tomorrow I'll be pregnant. I'm so nervous and really excited but mostly just confused.

Rob keeps telling me not to be too positive because he's afraid I might be setting myself up for a letdown. I'm afraid that if I'm not 100% convinced it will work then somehow my negative vibes will make it not work. You see my dilemma!! I can't decide how I'm supposed to feel.

Last week I was waiting for my blood test and a guy was there waiting to go in and provide his 'sample' while his wife was downstairs having her eggs harvested (it's a delightful process isn't it - very romantic). He was so excited and it was their first try so they had that innocence when you just believe everything will be fine. Rob and I were like that last time too and I miss that. It's so hard not to be jaded after what we've been through.

Pregnancy here we come...

Well my period finally came and we are smack bang in the midst of an IVF cycle. I've been traipsing back and forth to the hospital most mornings for blood tests (to monitor my hormone levels) and giving myself nightly injections getting ready for our Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET). This Thursday (6th December) one of our frozen embryos will be implanted in my uterus and I will technically be pregnant. Then we have to wait 2 weeks for a test to tell us whether the pregnancy has 'stuck'. Of course a positive result will by no means be the end of the stress it's a long road ahead to get to the 'safe' 12 week mark and beyond. I think when we are pregnant we are both in the right frame of mind to see it through and hopefully even enjoy the process as much as the first time. We'll keep you posted - results day will be Thursday 20th December. Love to you all and please send us your positive vibes.

Today should be the day

I have counted down the days and waited with keen anticipation for today to arrive. What am I waiting for? Well today I should have gotten my period. The much anticipated November period which is to mark the beginning of our new IVF cycle. I can honestly say until these last few months I have never wished for my period to come in fact the exact opposite - month after month for several years I have waited for it not to come and to be pregnant. It has not however arrived as expected today and that does not mean I am pregnant it just means we have to wait until it arrives. It will come of course - just not on time!!

Life rolls right along....

This week I was back at work looking after Declan and Reuben after a month break. It was a bit of a shock to the system but also fantastic - I missed them so much, I think Declan wishes I would stop hugging and kissing him!! Reuben has grown so much and is almost walking - thank god - he's way too heavy to carry around for much longer!!

We've gotten straight back into our routine and had a trip to The Beach House on Monday and then today we spent 3 hours playing in the park with my friend Adina and her boys, Riley & Finlay. Declan & Riley have developed a really gorgeous and special friendship and it has been an absolute pleasure to watch.

I was fortunate to meet 2 great girls Helen and Adina while I was pregnant (we were all in pregnancy yoga classes together) and we meet up regularly with their kids and my babysitting kids and it's a lot of fun for the kids and us.

I'm so lucky to have a job that I love so much and to be able to share in the lives of 4 amazing kids.

Rob and I are really excited because it should only be a week or so until we start IVF again and we're looking forward to the beginning of that new journey. We will of course keep you all posted on our progress.

I need to vent

It's been a long time since I've written anything because I just haven't felt motivated and I haven't had a great deal to report. We've sort of been in limbo waiting to get the all clear to start IVF again and have just been busy getting on with 'normal' life. A week ago today (October 18th) would have been Banjo's due date. It was a really sad day but as always our friends and family were wonderfully supportive and really rallied around. Rob and I visited his grave in the morning and said a few words to our little guy. We tried not to dwell to much on the what ifs because we know we need to be strong and look to the journey we have ahead of us. My gorgeous friends Helen and Adina and I went to the cafe at Pinaroo for some lunch and they had a chance to visit Banjo too. We received lots of lovely cards, messages and flowers and were once again touched by the wonderful people we have in our lives.

On that note, today I was reminded about some of the not very nice people we all come across in our day to day lives with. Firstly I had an appointment at Pinaroo to sort out the details for Banjo's grave plaque and the people were very unhelpful and almost rude. I was really upset about it all and I was on my own because Rob had to work so I thought I'd go sit with Banjo for a minute and have a bit of a cry. I was only at the grave site for between 5 and 10 minutes not more than 50 metres from my car but some callous bastard broke in and stole my handbag. I'm absolutely kicking myself for leaving it in the car but I had no idea a crime could be committed right under my nose in such a brief amount of time. As with anyone who has had their bag/wallet lost or stolen it's a major hassle and of course a financial drain (we're out about $1000 - cash, sunglasses, perfume, makeup, medication, etc etc). It just seemed so much worse for it to have happened while I sat crying at my son's grave - people are unbelievable.

Just talking to people today I've hard 4 other stories from people who have experienced the same thing and in some cases even more brazen attacks with the car owner actually watching on completely helpless.

The really awful thing is that now I don't feel safe to go and visit him (especially not on my own) because there is a real criminal element hanging around preying on mourners. Today it was my car and handbag next time will I be personally attacked? It's so isolated in some areas of that bushland (which is part of it's beauty) I was literally stranded and nobody passed by for a long time to help me. It made me realise how vulnerable I really am if I go there alone. I lost far more today than money and possessions.

Happy Father's Day

I really want to honour Rob today, not only as Banjo's daddy but as an amazing male role model to Jake and Abbey as well. I know that he feels like he hasn't had the chance to be a dad yet and so Father's Day is still mostly about our own fathers, but I absolutely believe in Rob as a wonderful father and an inspiring man in general.

Happy Father's Day to all the dads and great men in both our lives.

Last night we had Rob's birthday party and all our family and friends came along to celebrate Rob turning 30 and also the pass of his PhD. Probably a few sore heads today but it was a great night.