Bloggers Without Makeup

A couple of Fridays ago (May 14th) the talented Jodie from Mummy Mayhem declared International Bloggers Without Makeup Day.  Hundreds of Mummy (and other) bloggers from Australia and around the world decided to bare their bare faces for the world to see.  The theory is that through blogging (and in life) we tend to put our best face forward.  Whether it's Facebook, Twitter or Blog pictures they are usually nicely posed pictures of ourselves on some special occasion.

As I was very busy with my house guests from New Zealand and May Madness (see here) I have not had a chance to blog so did not participate.  It certainly made me have a think though and made me realise my problem goes way further than makeup or no makeup.  Although my blog picture is obviously me with a full face of makeup on my wedding day - I rarely wear makeup and so a picture of me without makeup would be me as I am every day.  The catch is there are hardly any pictures of me at all.  I try very hard to avoid the camera at all costs (with or without makeup).  I take literally hundreds of photos every week but dread being in front of the camera myself.  People who know me well may see the irony in this.  In my 20's I took the same hundreds of photos I do now but I was in them.  I loved having my picture taken and recorded every moment of my life - every new hairstyle, every new outfit (every new boyfriend!!!). I'm sure you can guess why things changed but just in case you're not sure - I"M FAT.

I'm not just carrying a little bit of extra baby weight - I'm 30 kilos overweight.  It makes me sad - really sad - as I'm typing this my eyes are filling with tears.  I want to fix it but I just can't seem to.  Last year I lost 10 kilos but over Christmas it started creeping back on and now I've gained 8 of those kilos back.

Around my late 20's and very early 30's I carried a bit of extra weight - I was in the low 70 kilo range instead of the mid 60 kilos!! (At the time I though it was a disaster - now I'd give anything to weigh in the 70 kilo range) After that my weight just crept up and up and up until I was in the high 80's at my wedding in 2007 (3 months pregnant) then by the start of my second pregnancy I was 93 kilos.  I only gained 9 kilos in that pregnancy and returned almost immediately to my (not so great) pre pregnancy weight.  Noah will be 2 in 2 months and I'm now 6 kilos heavier than before I had him. (That's 99 kilos for anyone trying to keep up with the Math)

I'm in such a cycle of depression.  It breaks my heart that there are hardly any photos of me and Noah and even the ones that exist I can't stand to look at.  I used to be very proud of the way I looked - I always felt attractive and liked to dress nicely.  Now I hardly care about myself any more.  In a group of people I feel like everyone is thinking how fat, ugly and disgusting I am.  It has stopped me from socialising and affected my life in lots of ways. Sometimes I'm in denial about how fat I am until I catch sight of myself in a mirror or worse - a photo (the camera adds 10 pounds you know).  Just getting dressed each day is a battle - everything looks awful. Even times when I thought I looked good I'm quickly brought crashing down if I see a photo of myself from that day.

I know my husband loves me and of course Noah thinks I'm beautiful.  My weight doesn't stop me from enjoying his life - in fact I'm really active.  We get out and about to parks and the zoo and we go bike riding and walking.

I'm in the middle of my fourth IVF cycle trying to give Noah a sibling so it's more imperative than ever that I get fit and healthy.  You would think it would be such strong incentive.  I have all the best intentions.  In my mind every night as I lay in bed I write menu plans and vow I'll do it but when daylight hits all my drive and willpower goes out the window.  I love food - I use it to relax, to comfort, to celebrate, to mourn. I know it can't fill me in the way I want it to but I keep trying anyway.

I'm not usually so soul baring on this blog but I think half the battle might by publicly admitting that I have a problem.

So anyway for better or worse here's the most recent photo taken of me.  I am without makeup as usual.  It was taken on my 36th birthday when we went for a family farm stay weekender.

Please feel free to pass on your weight loss advice or tips - after all isn't that what this blogging is all about?

A note about Bloggers Without Makeup Day.  A small idea from an Aussie mummy really took off and spread and was even featured in the media.  If you're a blogger I hope you join me next year when we can all be brave again.