Australian Christmas

Living in Australia we hear a lot of people who have come here from countries in the northern hemisphere carrying on about how it doesn't feel like Christmas when it's summer.

It's the only type of Christmas we know and what's not to love
- fresh seafood lunch
- days on the beach
- seeing a Santa water skiing
- kids playing with their new boogie boards and pool toys

It's been an absolute scorcher of a Christmas but it's so quintessentially Australian and I love it.

Merry Christmas

I'm just taking a few moments out to relax before the day goes completely crazy. We've had breakfast with my family and checked out all the goodies Santa brought Jake and Abbey. Next stop is lunch at The Robinsons then The De Roaches and Gartons at our place for dinner. A couple of days ago it seemed like a momentous task but now that the day is here it's really exciting and relatively calm. I'm all prepared for tonight - vegies are peeled and chopped, pork is ready to go and the table is already set.

I love Christmas it's so fun - I love the routine and tradition of it. Every year Rob goes for a mid morning run on the beach with his Dad - this year Jake is tagging along too which is nice. We don't really get much into presents for each other anymore but I'm looking forward to having kids and going all out for them. What is more exciting than shiny new bikes and toys under the tree.

Being pregnant for Christmas this year is the best present Rob and I could have hoped for.


Merry Christmas everyone and have a wonderful day with family and friends.

I'M PREGNANT

At about 11.45 yesterday we finally received the news that I am pregnant. It was so much more stressful waiting for the news this time than back in January - I was a complete nervous wreck yesterday morning. I wasn't sure if I was going to throw up, pass out or cry or all three at once!! Anyway we now have the fantastic news we were waiting for and can relax and enjoy the pregnancy.

I've got more blood tests tomorrow and probably a dating scan in the next few weeks so still lots going on but I'm sure everything will be perfect.

Thanks to you all for your kindness and loving thoughts they have been our source of strength.

Am I pregnant?

Yesterday morning I woke up and I had some spotting which I immediately thought was my period. I woke Rob up to tell him what I thought was definitely bad news. Rob decided we should get some tests from the pharmacy and try that. So off he went and bought a couple of different brands of which we did 2 tests. I was a nervous wreck and my heart was pounding so hard I thought it would burst through my chest. They were both positive. We thought that meant we were pregnant and everything was fine and of course my stress levels which had been off the chart were abated. I called the fertility clinic this morning just to tell them what had happened and make sure there wasn't anything else I should be doing. They have now told me that one of the injections I have been giving myself is the hormone that pregnancy tests react to - meaning the positive result is by no means a certainty!! Stress levels back through the roof. They have now said I can come in tomorrow to have my official pregnancy test even though it is not scheduled til Thursday. Tonight is probably going to be a very sleepless night. Tomorrow we should know for sure one way or the other and then we'll let you all know.

Best job ever

I have the best job in the whole world.

a) All my kids are adorable, fun and well behaved.
b) My job involves going to the beach, playing at the park and making stuff with playdough
c) When I was little I really wanted to be a housewife when I grew up and now I pretty much get paid to do exactly that.
d) plus what other job does your boss thank you at the end of every day.

Had a lovely day today with Olivia and it really made me remember how lucky I am. Her mum also gave me a Christmas gift with a lovely card - so it was nice to know not only am I having the time of my life but my work is appreciated by the families too.

Living in the land of no service.

Service in Perth is rubbish and it makes me nuts. I've been observing it for years and now it's time to let it out. I've travelled a lot and seen how it works in other places too so I am able to say categorically that service in Perth is amongst the worst in the world.

Do you know one time I was at Rottnest and a bunch of people were standing at what can only be called a canteen (you know like school with the mini roller door you queue up at to order sub standard food!!). Anyway we all stood waiting to order and then the clock must have hit closing time and a pimply faced 15 year old just pulled that roller door down right in our faces. WA Tourism at its best.

Once Rob and I plus 2 or 3 other people walked into a cafe in Cottesloe wanting to sit down and order but a couple of us headed to the toilet first. The manager cut us off and denied us access to the toilet because we weren't paying customers. We told him we were all about to sit and eat but he was convinced we would use the toilet and run without spending any money so he wouldn't let us in.

There's so many other stories but I'm sure you get the idea.

Ahhh give me Tim Tams

I've decided finances are just like dieting. You know how the minute you tell yourself you're on a diet you start craving all kinds of crap foods you usually don't eat and you just end up eating more than normal. That's the kind of relationship I have with money. Whenever I look at our budget and see that things are looking tight I get an irresistible urge to buy stuff I don't need. It's totally weird.

Til death do us part

It was my Mum and Dad's 35th Wedding Anniversary yesterday - what an accomplishment. I feel really lucky to have parents that have stayed together. I'm sure Rob and I will celebrate our 35th one day too as will most of the couples we know but it is getting to be a bit of a rarity.

School Holiday Madness

Normally Reuben, Declan and I love The Beach House. It's a big warehouse in Osborne Park full of kids play equipment and things to ride and climb and bounce on and it's a kids dream. Not in school holidays though and not today. I knew something was up when we got there - the carpark was full and I even spotted a couple of school buses but stupidly in we went. Oh My God - there was literally about 150 kids in there from little ones up to 9ish. I was meeting my friend Adina there with her 2 boys as well. Within half an hour Reuben had had the balls from the ball pit thrown at his head and Declan had been pushed off the bouncy castle and had a ride on car ridden over his foot. Apparently 2 kindys plus a couple of classes of older kids had decided to come for a fun day out before the end of school!! There wasn't a spare inch of floorspace or a free toy to get hold of and as for a coffee - forget about it. So we packed all the kids up demanded a refund and got the hell out.

Off we headed to the peace and serenity of Jackadder Lake. They have fantastic apparatus there under shade sails and it's gorgeous. No sooner had we settled in for some relaxing outdoor time than a class of about 30 kids on foot from the local school and a busload from somewhere else showed up. They were running completely rampant and Declan and Riley who are only 3 & 2 didn't have a chance at getting on a swing or a slide.

So much for a relaxing day and it's not even the holidays yet.

The Secret...

I have to make a potentially embarrassing confession. I borrowed "The Secret" DVD from the library and I'm a total convert. Of course my husband the scientist thinks I'm a total weirdo and spent a lot of time telling me how there's no way you can change your life merely through the power of positive thinking. But I'm a believer. I've always believed that your thoughts affect your life and tried to surround myself with like minded people but watching "The Secret" was really motivational to me. Rob and I had a heated discussion about it and have agreed to disagree. Of course the DVD did have some crazy notions about wishing for big bucks and sports cars and then by magic it will happen and I don't buy into that notion at all. It makes total sense to me though that if you go around always focusing on what's wrong in your life and what you don't have that all your energy is taken up with that and there is no room for good things to come into your life. The 'Law of Attraction' and 'like attracts like' have always been concepts that people have talked about. People always say 'the rich get richer' and the poor get poorer' - maybe that's the Law of Attraction at work.

Basically 'The Secret' is a bit like a modern religion but instead of God having all the power it's a belief in the universal flow of energy. Even if you think it sounds crazy it's totally worth watching. I mean what's the worst thing that can happen - you might keep it in mind one day when you're going through something tough and it might help you focus on things you have to be grateful for instead of dwelling on life's difficulties all the time.

Tomorrow is the day we've been waiting for - the chance to get pregnant again and finally have our little family. I can't believe tomorrow I'll be pregnant. I'm so nervous and really excited but mostly just confused.

Rob keeps telling me not to be too positive because he's afraid I might be setting myself up for a letdown. I'm afraid that if I'm not 100% convinced it will work then somehow my negative vibes will make it not work. You see my dilemma!! I can't decide how I'm supposed to feel.

Last week I was waiting for my blood test and a guy was there waiting to go in and provide his 'sample' while his wife was downstairs having her eggs harvested (it's a delightful process isn't it - very romantic). He was so excited and it was their first try so they had that innocence when you just believe everything will be fine. Rob and I were like that last time too and I miss that. It's so hard not to be jaded after what we've been through.

Pregnancy here we come...

Well my period finally came and we are smack bang in the midst of an IVF cycle. I've been traipsing back and forth to the hospital most mornings for blood tests (to monitor my hormone levels) and giving myself nightly injections getting ready for our Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET). This Thursday (6th December) one of our frozen embryos will be implanted in my uterus and I will technically be pregnant. Then we have to wait 2 weeks for a test to tell us whether the pregnancy has 'stuck'. Of course a positive result will by no means be the end of the stress it's a long road ahead to get to the 'safe' 12 week mark and beyond. I think when we are pregnant we are both in the right frame of mind to see it through and hopefully even enjoy the process as much as the first time. We'll keep you posted - results day will be Thursday 20th December. Love to you all and please send us your positive vibes.

Today should be the day

I have counted down the days and waited with keen anticipation for today to arrive. What am I waiting for? Well today I should have gotten my period. The much anticipated November period which is to mark the beginning of our new IVF cycle. I can honestly say until these last few months I have never wished for my period to come in fact the exact opposite - month after month for several years I have waited for it not to come and to be pregnant. It has not however arrived as expected today and that does not mean I am pregnant it just means we have to wait until it arrives. It will come of course - just not on time!!

Life rolls right along....

This week I was back at work looking after Declan and Reuben after a month break. It was a bit of a shock to the system but also fantastic - I missed them so much, I think Declan wishes I would stop hugging and kissing him!! Reuben has grown so much and is almost walking - thank god - he's way too heavy to carry around for much longer!!

We've gotten straight back into our routine and had a trip to The Beach House on Monday and then today we spent 3 hours playing in the park with my friend Adina and her boys, Riley & Finlay. Declan & Riley have developed a really gorgeous and special friendship and it has been an absolute pleasure to watch.

I was fortunate to meet 2 great girls Helen and Adina while I was pregnant (we were all in pregnancy yoga classes together) and we meet up regularly with their kids and my babysitting kids and it's a lot of fun for the kids and us.

I'm so lucky to have a job that I love so much and to be able to share in the lives of 4 amazing kids.

Rob and I are really excited because it should only be a week or so until we start IVF again and we're looking forward to the beginning of that new journey. We will of course keep you all posted on our progress.

I need to vent

It's been a long time since I've written anything because I just haven't felt motivated and I haven't had a great deal to report. We've sort of been in limbo waiting to get the all clear to start IVF again and have just been busy getting on with 'normal' life. A week ago today (October 18th) would have been Banjo's due date. It was a really sad day but as always our friends and family were wonderfully supportive and really rallied around. Rob and I visited his grave in the morning and said a few words to our little guy. We tried not to dwell to much on the what ifs because we know we need to be strong and look to the journey we have ahead of us. My gorgeous friends Helen and Adina and I went to the cafe at Pinaroo for some lunch and they had a chance to visit Banjo too. We received lots of lovely cards, messages and flowers and were once again touched by the wonderful people we have in our lives.

On that note, today I was reminded about some of the not very nice people we all come across in our day to day lives with. Firstly I had an appointment at Pinaroo to sort out the details for Banjo's grave plaque and the people were very unhelpful and almost rude. I was really upset about it all and I was on my own because Rob had to work so I thought I'd go sit with Banjo for a minute and have a bit of a cry. I was only at the grave site for between 5 and 10 minutes not more than 50 metres from my car but some callous bastard broke in and stole my handbag. I'm absolutely kicking myself for leaving it in the car but I had no idea a crime could be committed right under my nose in such a brief amount of time. As with anyone who has had their bag/wallet lost or stolen it's a major hassle and of course a financial drain (we're out about $1000 - cash, sunglasses, perfume, makeup, medication, etc etc). It just seemed so much worse for it to have happened while I sat crying at my son's grave - people are unbelievable.

Just talking to people today I've hard 4 other stories from people who have experienced the same thing and in some cases even more brazen attacks with the car owner actually watching on completely helpless.

The really awful thing is that now I don't feel safe to go and visit him (especially not on my own) because there is a real criminal element hanging around preying on mourners. Today it was my car and handbag next time will I be personally attacked? It's so isolated in some areas of that bushland (which is part of it's beauty) I was literally stranded and nobody passed by for a long time to help me. It made me realise how vulnerable I really am if I go there alone. I lost far more today than money and possessions.

Happy Father's Day

I really want to honour Rob today, not only as Banjo's daddy but as an amazing male role model to Jake and Abbey as well. I know that he feels like he hasn't had the chance to be a dad yet and so Father's Day is still mostly about our own fathers, but I absolutely believe in Rob as a wonderful father and an inspiring man in general.

Happy Father's Day to all the dads and great men in both our lives.

Last night we had Rob's birthday party and all our family and friends came along to celebrate Rob turning 30 and also the pass of his PhD. Probably a few sore heads today but it was a great night.

Robbie has turned 30

Yesterday was Rob's 30th Birthday. It's so disappointing that his toy boy days are over - I no longer have a husband in his 20's!!

Anyway we had a nice dinner at Uncle Billy's (that's a restaurant - not a person) and went to see the new Cirque du Soleil show "Varekai". It was really fabulous as always (I think this is our 3rd Cirque show that we've seen).

On Saturday night we're having a party with family and friends, not only to celebrate Rob's birthday but also the long awaited PhD pass result.

Declan's Birthday

It's Declan's 3rd Birthday today. He had a party on Sunday which was lots of fun and Rob and I ate ourselves sick on kids party food. Declan is right into the movie 'Cars' which is a really cool kids film from Pixar (Toys, A Bug's Life etc) - anyway he absolutely loves it and the main character is a red race car called Lightning McQueen. Obviously everyone knows this so all his presents were toys from the film. Yesterday when I was looking after him we got to build and play with loads of fun new cars and trucks - it was mint. Here's some pictures from the party.

Rob getting into the party spirit!!

All the adults hanging around the kids party food.

The gorgeous Reuben (Declan's little brother - 8.5 months old)

The Birthday Boy - mmmmm ice cream cake

(The photos are courtesy of Jack Andrys photographer extraordinaire)

Autopsy Results

We saw our OB and got Banjo's autopsy results on Wednesday August 1st but it was all very confusing and overwhelming so I haven't written about it till now. I've had time to think about it and research it on the Internet and I think I've got a bit of a handle on what it all means for the future.

What the autopsy showed was that my placenta and Banjo's organs were infected with Group B Strep (GBS). This is a bacteria that is well known to doctors and is usually checked in all pregnant women at around 36/37 weeks. It is commonly thought to only pass to babies during the birthing process and so infected women are treated with antibiotics when they go in to labour to protect their soon to be born child.

In our case however, the GBS (which I had never been tested for) passed to Banjo in utero and caused him to eventually stop breathing. At first we were really confused about this because our doctor said they really don't know how this happens and it's almost unheard of. They have some theories about the IVF procedures pushing the bacteria up into the uterus but it's just speculation.

What worried me about this rare occurrence of in utero GBS was if they don't know how it happens how can they stop it happening again.

What we have been able to do is find information on the Internet which confirms that Prenatal Onset Group B Strep (POGBS) is known and there is information out there about how to handle it.

They say knowledge is power and I must say that being able to find more information is helping me be more positive about the future.

Here are some links to websites about GBS and POGBS

http://www.obgyn.net/pregnancy-birth/?page=/pregnancy-birth/articles/prenatal_onset_group_B_strep

http://www.groupbstrepinternational.org/

Excuse me I've lost my mind!!

I forgot to tell you all a funny story that happened last weekend. Rob and I headed off on a gorgeous sunny morning to take Cleo for a walk down the dog beach - something we do most weekends. We stopped for iced coffee at Hillarys Shops and we bumped in to Danni and Pom. As we stood chatting to Danni telling her we were headed down to the beach blah blah blah she innocently said "oh so Cleo's in the car waiting is she?"

Rob and I looked at each other and in that second we realised neither of us had brought the dog!!! Clearly we have lost our minds. Anyway Rob headed home and there was Cleo waiting patiently in the driveway wondering where we'd gone.

Tough Day

Today hasn't been a very good day. I don't know why but I've been feeling extra sad today and really missing Banjo and feeling angry at the universe for taking him away.

Even though it seems like a stupid thing to do when I've already been in a funk all day - I just cleaned up the nursery and organised all Banjo's cards and memorabilia and it sort of made me feel better. It reminded me of all of the fantastic family and friends we have and how supportive you've all been and how lucky we really are.

It also made me start thinking about all the awesome things Banjo and I did while he was inside me. Special memories of the 6 months I spent carrying him around. I'm so grateful that he shared mine and Robbie's wedding day and came on our cruise around New Zealand. Banjo and I totally rocked out with Jess at the Pink concert (down the front in the mosh pit!!) When I was looking after Declan he would ask me if the baby was in my tummy and when I said yes he would pull up my shirt and then his shirt and put his naked tummy on mine for a cuddle. It was really special and beautiful.

I miss Banjo every minute of every day but some days are just harder than others.

Blog Functions

I've added some new features to this blog for anyone that is interested.

The first thing is all the various posts are now archived and listed by date and title for quick reference in the sidebar. This will help if you are looking for something in particular rather than having to read through every post. (especially now that they are growing in number)

Secondly there is an icon at the end of each post (near the icon you use to leave comments) which will enable you to forward a particular post to someone via email. I know some of you were forwarding posts off for other friends and family - this will be a shortcut to do that.

Happy reading X Kirsty

Being Pregnant

I loved being pregnant. I felt beautiful and confident and like my whole life was perfect. Ever since I got pregnant I have been floating on a cloud. Almost nothing could bother me or upset me I felt like the most blessed woman in the world. (Part of that was also the pure joy of marrying the man of my dreams)

Ever since I was a little girl all I ever wanted for myself in life was to be married and have kids.

Is it wrong that I miss the actual status of being pregnant almost as much as I miss Banjo and the dream of starting a family??

Baby Boom

I see pregnant women everywhere. They are my friends and they're strangers. I don't feel jealous or angry I just wonder if they know how lucky they are.

For me being pregnant and then losing the baby was like someone telling me I had won the lottery but then on the way to pick up the money I lost the ticket.

I had a life long dream in arms reach and then it was gone.

What Happened??

I knew something was wrong. Call it woman's intuition. Call it mother's intuition. Call it whatever you want. Nothing was wrong physically. I just had a feeling. Then for several days I didn't feel the baby move and I was sure. I messaged my friend Helen and asked her if she thought I should see a Dr or if I was just being paranoid and crazy. She advised me to call the hospital so I did and they told me to come in right away.

I don't remember walking through the hospital or riding upstairs in the elevator, but I do remember waiting on the bed for a Doctor. The nurse put the doppler on my tummy to listen to the baby's heartbeat - there was no sound. She tried to stay positive and told us it could be because of the position of the placenta - but I knew it was over. The dream of 6 months wasn't going to come true. Then the Senior Registrar came with the ultrasound machine and started looking. She didn't say a word but Rob and I could see there was no heartbeat. When you've looked at those pictures so many times before and seen that little black spot pulsating you know when it's missing. Nobody said a word - I started screaming and Rob and I were crying and just like that with no words spoken we knew our baby was gone.

Families were called and we were transferred to a birthing suite to wait for the OB. It's all a blur. For those of you who have never been through this, you can't imagine the range of emotions you go through. Guilt. Did I do something to hurt the baby? Did I eat the wrong thing? This wouldn't be happening if I had noticed the baby's movements stopping earlier. Anger. Why is this happening to us? Haven't we been through enough? I wanted to scream at the universe "I'VE LEARNED ENOUGH LESSONS! Sadness. I won't be pregnant in a few days.

Dr Isdale arrived and told us that it was a one in a thousand thing that had happened and that there was no way anyone could have predicted it happening or stopped it from happening. It wasn't related to my endometriosis or IVF it could have happened to anyone. She told us I would be induced and deliver the baby it could take 2 - 3 days.

Kirsty's Update

I've placed a full copy of Banjo's funeral service and all the readings in my last post for anyone that is interested in looking at it.

It sounds strange but it was a beautiful day, despite being heart wrenching and devastating, because it was his one special day. Banjo will never celebrate Christmas or have a birthday party but on Monday July 16th over 60 people came to celebrate his short life and the happiness he has given us all.

It's almost 3 weeks now since we found out that we were going to lose our much loved and anticipated baby and we are doing our best to survive and sometimes we succeed in doing a bit better than that.

Thank you all for your continuing care and concern and endless love and support it really helps us to face each new day and try to look forward.

Funeral Service

For those of you who couldn't make it to Banjo's funeral I thought you may like to see the service and the readings that were given on the day.

Thank you all for coming this morning on this very sad occasion. My name is Lana and I’m a friend of Rob and Kirsty’s and the whole Beggs Family. The following ceremony was written by Maggie Dent who was not only Rob and Kirsty’s Marriage Celebrant but has become a very dear friend. She could not be here today and I have been asked to say the following words on her behalf.

We have gathered here this morning with heavy hearts to farewell a beautiful baby boy whose beloved Mum and Dad, Kirsty and Rob have named Banjo Arthur.
Little Banjo has been an enormous part of his parents’ life for all these months of waiting and not only was he eagerly awaited by his parents but also by his grandparents, great grandparents,, his aunties, uncles, cousins and other family and friends.

Grieving the loss of someone we love takes time and much love and compassion is needed by those closest to us for us to come to a place of acceptance, to a place when our heart no longer aches with the cutting pain that is only known to those who have walked this journey no one ever wants to take. The loss of a baby or child is not how life is meant to go. We expect our children to farewell us when we are old and weary not for us to farewell our children.

All people struggle to come to terms with the loss of young children and thus the loss of a new born baby is even more incomprehensible. Maybe we are not meant to understand or make sense of this tragedy. Maybe we are meant to simply focus on being a genuine part of the journey to recovery, and renewal. Maybe there are some things that happen in life that simply challenge the very fibre of our being because we cannot explain or rationalize the “why” and maybe they encourage and develop in us a deeper depth of character and understanding of life and ourselves.

Rob and Kirsty wanted to farewell their precious Banjo from our world in a loving and gentle way amongst those people who are most special in their lives. They very much want to acknowledge and honour their little son’s life even though it has been so brief.

Death can never take from anyone the experience of loving, of having been loved. Love continues beyond death and Banjo’s name needs to be spoken of openly and with love, without a hint of a shadow as he will always be a part of Rob and Kirsty’s lives. He was wanted and eagerly awaited with hope and with optimism. This young couple have drawn strength and courage from each other and have been deeply loved and supported by all of you here this morning. They thank you all sincerely and have chosen the following poem to capture Banjo’s life.


Angel’s Footprint (Read by Kirsty)

IF WE COULD HAVE A LIFETIME WISH
A DREAM THAT WOULD COME TRUE.
WE’D PRAY AND PRAY WITH ALL OUR HEARTS
FOR YESTERDAY AND YOU.
A THOUSAND WORDS CAN’T BRING YOU BACK;
WE KNOW BECAUSE WE’VE TRIED.
AND NEITHER WILL A MILLION TEARS,
WE KNOW – BECAUSE WE’VE CRIED.
YOU LEFT BEHIND OUR BROKEN HEARTS
AND HAPPY MEMORIES TOO
WE NEVER WANTED MEMORIES,
WE ONLY WANTED YOU.

IF TEARS COULD BUILD A STAIRWAY
AND MEMORIES WERE A LANE
WE’D WALK RIGHT UP TO HEAVEN
TO BRING YOU HOME AGAIN
NO FAREWELL WORDS WERE SPOKEN
NO TIME TO SAY GOODBYE
YOU WERE GONE BEFORE WE KNEW IT
AND ONLY GOD KNOWS WHY.
OUR HEARTS STILL ACHE WITH SADNESS
AND SECRET TEARS STILL FLOW
WHAT IT MEANT TO LOSE YOU
NO ONE WILL EVER KNOW.

May I invite you to spend a few moments in quiet reflection on Banjo and of how his short life has touched and enriched yours.

Rob’s Reading (Letter to Banjo from John De Roach)

Dear Banjo

This is a letter to you from your Granddad, or Grandpa or Pa. I’m not sure what you would have called me, but whatever it was I would have loved it.

I want to say how happy I am that you touched my life, from the moment I heard you were on your way, until the moment I had the joy of holding you in my arms, just after you were born. I am so happy that I met you, and I wish you could have got to know me.

I had lots of plans for us, starting with reciting lots of Australian poetry to you and reading to you while you fell asleep. I was secretly hoping that you would be a light sleeper so that I would have to spend a good deal of time doing this.

We would have spent lots of time playing and walking on the beach, and I would have shown you how to bob over the waves. I know you would have grown to love Paul Kelly, Jimmy Buffet and the Divinyls and you would have been under great pressure to be a Carlton supporter. I wouldn’t have made the same mistake I made with your Dad, and I would have bought you a train set for your first birthday.

I am really sad that your whole big extended family will not have the pleasure of sharing your life with you as you grow up, and I am especially sad for myself.

I will never forget sharing your birth with you and seeing you for the first time. You have the most beautiful long fingers and toes. The ninth of July will always be your birthday and I will always have a photo of you displayed unobtrusively in my house for me.

Thank you, Sir, for coming and seeing us.

I so wished you could have stayed longer but wishing will never make it so, so I count my blessings and am thankful for the joy you brought me and the memories you have left with me always.

Lots of Love, Pa


Kirsty’s Reading (A letter I wrote to Banjo on the night after I had delivered him)

Dear Banjo

I want you to know that as your Mummy I have experienced 25 weeks of the purest happiness I have ever felt in my life.

I will never forget the elation when Daddy and I found out you were the tiniest beginnings of life forming inside me. Then all the stages of your short life were such happy milestones for us as a family.

Daddy and I were cuddled up in bed when I first felt your little body move inside of mine. It was the most magical physical experience I’ve had feeling your daily gymnastics taking place.

I am so sad and heartbroken that you never had a chance to feel the sun from this earth on your beautiful face.

Daddy and I had so many dreams and plans for our lives together as a threesome. We looked forward to lazy Sunday mornings in bed with you snuggled between us. We longed to take you to the beach and the zoo and all our favourite places. I couldn’t wait to read you a hundred books and Daddy wanted to build cities of Lego with you.

You will be our treasured child always. Our first born and number 1 son.

Thank you for coming to us although it was too short a time.

I love you.


Gentle One (Pam to read)

You were with us for such a short time
And yet have touched our lives in so many ways
You are a gift of the love
Between two special people
A gift to show that the miracle of birth is not
Something small or ordinary,
It is a miracle

You are a symbol of togetherness
And connectedness of those we love
This powerful symbol has activated
And deepened the love and affection of
Those who really matter in our lives

You are a blessing of all that is good,
Beautiful and special in life.
This blessing will remind us all
Of the fragility and sacredness of the
Gift of life.

Little Banjo, beloved son of Rob and Kirsty
We thank you for the gift, the symbol and the blessing
Of your tiny life.
May we all keep these special reminders
Deep in our hearts, minds and souls.

Journey softly, little one
Until we meet again.

Rob and Kirsty would like to play you this song that was written and recorded by Devon who is not only a lovely friend but a beautiful midwife.

(Play Music – We Dreamed of You by Devon Plumley)

KIRSTY TO SPEAK ABOUT SIGNIFICANCE OF BALLOON RELEASE AND THEN THE BALLONS WILL BE LET GO.

Rob and I wanted to release these balloons 1 for each week of Banjo’s life because balloons are usually associated with children and happy times. This 1 butterfly balloon symbolises his spirit being freed from this earth and we want always to associate the beauty of the butterfly with Banjo.

(A butterfly lights beside us like a sunbeam
And for a brief moment it’s glory and beauty belong to our world.
But then it flies on again, and though we wish it could have stayed,
We feel so lucky to have seen it.)

It is now time for us to farewell Banjo’s tiny body with deep love and respect. Rob and Kirsty believe that his special little soul has been freed from our world and this final formality will symbolise that life will start anew with his presence in an invisible and yet positive way.

(This was the end of the service and Rob and I lowered his little coffin into the ground and we all placed our items in to keep him safe. There were lots of teddy bears and flowers and cards and letters and Abbey gave him a toy car)

Farewell to our Angel

Our son arrived too early in a stillborn delivery 12.45pm Monday July 9th, 2007. After learning the news of his death on Sunday his arrival on Monday was beautiful and peaceful and everything we could have hoped for in the most awful of circumstances. His grandparents Pam and Tom Beggs and John De Roach were present to welcome him with Rob and I and all of us plus Mal De Roach and John Nicholson were able to hold him and tell him how loved he was and always will be.

A funeral will be held for Banjo on Monday at 10am in Zamia Court Gardens, Pinnaroo Valley Memorial Park. All are welcome.

A morning tea to honour and celebrate the happiness he has brought us all will follow at his Pa's home.

Thank you all for the outpouring of love and support. We are truly honoured to have such wonderful family and friends and to know that our son is so treasured.

We will continue to write this journal through our mourning and our ongoing journey towards a healthy pregnancy. Please leave us your comments and thoughts at any time - they mean so much.

Love Kirsty and Rob

Daddy's Note Goodbye

I have been meaning to write on here for so long and now I'm afraid it's too late. I'm so sorry to let everyone know that unfortunately we have lost our little baby boy - Banjo.

This was supposed to be the first note of many and I wanted to write so many things about my little guy and family- it still will be and I still will.

Banjo, more than anything else I just want you to know how much you were loved by your mummy and me. You have made the last six months the most enjoyable time of our whole lives. We will cherish every single moment of happiness that you brought us. Just know that while we are so very very sad that you had to leave, we will continue to be happy and grateful for your presence in our lives forever.

For me, personally, I was just so excited and looking forward to being your dad. We had just settled on your pram and although I resisted, your mummy convinced me to buy you a little beanie and t-shirt with trucks on it (even though we didn't yet know you were a boy - I'm so glad to let your mummy win sometimes). Making up your little nursery is probably my proudest accomplishment ever... I so wanted you to use, enjoy and cry in it little mate and I'm just so so sad that you never will. Be sure that your next little brother or sister will know that it's a hand-me-down from their big brother...

Finally (for now), please know that I have never seen your mummy happier than when she was with you. You completed her and our family in a way that I never imagined possible. Having you in our lives has made our hearts stronger and that precious gift will always remain. Thank you mate.

I love you so much Banjo, we will continue this little blog in your memory... and I hope you don't mind me sharing you (and your little hands and feet) with the world...

15 weeks to go

Today marks 24 weeks and 4 days - in theory only 15 weeks to go. Not much to report as far as the pregnancy goes except I had a bit of a resurgence of morning sickness last week which was a bit of a shock to the system!! I spoke to the Maternity nurse and she assured me it's quite normal for nausea to come and go at any time throughout the 40 weeks. I went in for a check up anyway and all is well - nice low blood pressure, good iron levels etc. I got to listen to the baby's heartbeat on the Doppler for the first time which was really great and it was nice and strong.

The baby moves around all the time which is lovely. Not only does it help reassure everything is fine it's also nice feeling that physical connection.

Rob and I went to Brodie's 1st birthday party yesterday (my cousin Mandy's son). It was so much fun and it made us really excited about all those milestones and celebrations ahead of us. Both of us just can't wait till the baby arrives and we can meet this little person that we already love so much.

Braxton Hicks

I just realised today that some of what I thought were baby movements over the last couple of weeks were actually Braxton Hicks contractions. I had been thinking the baby moved around more than I had expected so it makes sense now. I was laying on the couch when all of a sudden the penny dropped and I realised that some of the 'kicks' I was getting were quite noticeably different than the others. So I did some research on a pregnancy website and sure enough the description matched what I was feeling. Apparently they commonly start from around 20 weeks, luckily mine are very much painless although they do feel strange. Some unlucky women get quite painful ones which last through to the end of their pregnancy - aaagh!!

Rob and I are in a really cruisey phase of life right now - the nursery is done and the next stage of house renovations isn't starting for about a month - so we're able to really relax and enjoy ourselves. It's such a weird feeling after literally the last 2 or 3 years never having time free to go with the flow. We're astounded every time we realise we have a whole weekend to ourselves to do anything we choose. Obviously we know it won't last long so we're relishing it.

In a few weeks we have Rob's annual company retreat where his company takes all the staff and their families away for a weekend down south - this year we're staying at the luxury Bunker Bay Resort. Can't wait - what's better than an all expenses paid weekend?! It'll probably be our last holiday for a long while without a baby so we're definitely going to make the most of it.

Cute Cot Linen

The most beautiful nursery ever!!!

The nursery renovations are basically complete now and Rob has been hard at work assembling all the furniture. Imagine my delight when yesterday I arrived home from yoga to find this beautiful room all ready for a gorgeous new baby.

My favourite thing is the beautiful bird counting art border. Check out how cute the cot linen is too.

Nursery Renovations - "Rob the Builder"

These are the pictures of the junk room starting to become a nursery for Jellybean. Lucky us Laura came to help out and offer some much needed advice for the painting. Then Rob and I did the floorboards using the expert lessons Rob had learnt from John Nicholson when they did our bedroom the week before. The green walls are a bit scary at the moment while the room's empty but I think it'll be great once we put the furniture in this weekend.

My fat belly - 22 weeks

What's New

Life is rolling along and I'm feeling fit and healthy (maybe a little too healthy - I've started putting on weight!!). Our little jellybean is very active which is really cool although still not enough for Rob to feel the movements. The nursery renovations are almost done after a weekend of painting and floorboard laying. We've got to assemble the furniture this weekend and then it'll be all set up. I'm so excited to see it all finished and ready for our new arrival. Then I'll just have to wait patiently for the next 18 weeks to pass - I hope it goes quickly we can't wait to meet our new son or daughter. Love to you all Kirsty, Rob and Jellybean

Poetry

Rob and I have been reading a cute poetry book called "I'm a Big Bellied Babe" written by Rebecca Turkich. All the poetry is about pregnancy and motherhood and it's really lovely. Initially I was reading it myself and then I started reading it to the baby and now Rob reads it to me and the baby. I thought I'd include one of the poems for you to enjoy. It's called Sweet Baby.

From dawn's glorious touch on each new day
I pray that to me you will make your way
I'm so eager for your life to begin
I long to discover you growing within

Come, my sweet baby, my heart's open wide
I promise vast love will wrap you inside
To the universe I'll whisper my prayer
Until of you I am blessedly aware

Long Weekend

Wow what a fantastic long weekend. We are having the most beautiful 'winter' weather at the moment in Perth. It's cold at night but the days are clear and sunny and absolutely glorious.

We had an action packed weekend but it was lots of fun. We caught up with lots of friends and family and watched movies and relaxed as well as starting some renovations we've got planned before the baby arrives.

Rob & John Nicholson worked hard ripping up carpet and laying floorboards in our bedroom. The nursery floors will be done in a couple of weekends time after the walls have been painted. I can't wait to get the nursery all set up with all the lovely bits and pieces we (I) have started to collect. We've chosen a gorgeous green colour called garden fantasy for the walls and bought some really cute cot linen with a giraffe and birds and insects on them. It's a bit hard to visualise so I'll post some pictures of it as the renovations begin and then of the finished room.

I'm still continuing on with my maternity yoga which is really good and it's nice to talk to other women and compare notes. A girl in the class is on her own having her baby and she was quite emotional about it on Saturday so we all tried to comfort her and talk about it. It made me realise how lucky Rob and I are to be going through this wonderful experience together and to be able to start a family together and share our huge love not only with each other but our new addition.

Comments

Hey Guys, Don't forget to leave a comment and let us know you've had a look, we'd love to hear from you. It's really easy - at the bottom of any of my ramblings there is a comments button that you just need to click on and it will open a window for you to type your message. Once you've said something brilliant click on 'anonymous' then 'publish comment'. Don't forget to include your name in the comment so we know who it's from XX KD XX

Late Night Ravings

It's 3.51am and I'm wide awake. I've been laying in bed for about an hour trying to get back to sleep but it's impossible. This is the latest phenomenon of pregnancy - waking up at odd hours of the night wide awake and unable to get back to sleep. It must be nature's way of preparing you for the lack of sleep to come!!

It's almost the long weekend and Rob & I can't wait for some much needed R & R now that 'May Madness' is over. The last of the birthday celebrations finished on the weekend with Mum's big 60th party followed by a lovely quiet Sunday evening get together with John De Roach for his birthday on Monday. Life is good and we're almost exactly half way to meeting our new arrival - how exciting.

Baby Gymnastics

Last night as I lay in bed at about 10.15pm (surrounded by my pillow prison to stop me sleeping on my back) I felt the first movement of the baby. After weeks of anticipation for this moment and wondering if I would know what it was when it happened - there it was - one good solid kick or punch followed by a bout of general movement. It felt so surreal but really amazing and fantastic as well. Rob tried to feel the movements as well but unfortunately after that first big kick the movements were a bit more subtle. What's really weird is now that I've felt it, it's like I can't stop feeling the baby moving. I don't know whether all of a sudden I'm more tuned in or it's just that the baby is now a really active little bugger. It made me realise that even though pregnancy comes with it's difficulties these special moments are what it's all about.

19 Week Anatomy Scan

Here is the latest scan which we had on Tuesday May 22nd. It was wonderful to see the baby starting to develop into a real little person. The sonographer had a bit of a rough time because our little one was in an awkward position for what she needed to do and refused to move no matter how much she poked and prodded. Looks like we might have a stubborn baby on our hands!! Everything was perfectly as it should be and the baby was giving us a little show opening and closing it's fists and busily drinking through the whole scan.


We're all doing really well and look forward to keeping you up to date with future installments.

What are they looking at??

Now that I'm looking much more obviously pregnant I've noticed this weird phenomenon where people stare at me. I find it particularly unusual during the current baby boom when every second woman seems to be pregnant. Some people give a knowing smile but mostly they just stare - it's really weird.

We had a really nice weekend doing lots of birthday shopping for the last few birthdays of 'May Madness' (4 parent's birthdays, 1 sister, 2 extended family plus Mother's Day!!!) and helping John De Roach move house. It's so fantastic to finally have weekends to ourselves after Rob's PhD and wedding planning dominating our time for so long. We're trying to really enjoy it before the next big adventure starts.

This weekend is the first time I've really started to have trouble sleeping because of my size. Apparently I'm not supposed to sleep on my back (which is my usual position) so I've got this giant sausage pillow to assist sleeping on my side. It's getting to be a very crowded bed with me, Rob, the sausage pillow, Cleo and DJ! I'm not sure why it's so uncomfortable but I'm sure every other woman that's been pregnant will sympathise. Hopefully with time I'll get used to sleeping on my side otherwise it's going to be a long 4 months.

Tomorrow is our anatomy scan so we'll get some new ultrasound pictures up for you soon.

Babyland

The time just keeps marching on by we've nearly hit the 18 week mark and my belly is growing to be a real baby belly. I started pregnancy yoga classes on the weekend which were really great but I've certainly being paying for it in aches and pains since!! This Wednesday I'm doing my first water based pregnancy exercise class so hopefully that will be a bit of a recovery from the yoga pain.

Rob & I had our first outing to the baby store to start to decipher the differences between the hundreds of different prams, baby seats, cots etc etc. Not only were we completely baffled by all the different features we were a little bit shocked about how much it's all going to add up to. We've started slowly by lay-bying the pram and the cot and we'll have another go at the rest of it after our brains have started to absorb it all. Of course this led to our first difference of opinion with me wanting the white cot and rob wanting the natural oak - Rob won. I managed to get my way with the apple green pram though so it was a good compromise.

We've got our major scan next Tuesday the 22nd where they look at all the anatomy and measure everything. I think this is one of the last scans until nearer the end of the pregnancy. This is the stage at which we could find out the answer to the million dollar boy or girl question - but we're going to wait for a surprise at the birth.

15 week scan

We're back from our honeymoon now and trying to settle back in to the normal daily routine after so much fun and excitement. Thank you to all of you who made our wedding day so special we absolutely had the time of our lives.

Baby De Roach kept me on my toes a bit on the cruise with a bit of extra morning sickness which unfortunately is continuing on now that we're home. It's still nothing to complain about though and in general I'm feeling fit and healthy.

We had our 15 week scan and check up yesterday and all is progressing as it should be. The baby was in a face down position with the right arm and hand clearly visible held behind it's head. Here's the scan pictures for you to view.

I almost can't believe this tiny person is growing inside of me. It's something I have wanted for so many years and it has been such a long journey to get to this point it's quite the miracle. I'd be happy to have 10 more surgeries and give myself 100 more injections if that's what it takes for Rob and I to hold our own baby in our arms. We are the luckiest people in the world.

Welcome

Hi Everyone

Welcome to our baby site. We thought this would be a great idea to keep everyone up to date with all the news through our pregnancy and arrival of baby De Roach as well as any other news we might have along the way. Just to get started here is our first ultrasound scan.