Tuesday, 7 June 2011
Don't Worry Be Happy
I've been absent. I don't know what to write. There has been an elephant in the room. I'm pregnant but I'm scared to write (talk) about it. I'm not superstitious just an old fashioned worrier. Being a worrier is in fact one of the many contradictions in my personality. I don't worry about hundreds of other things that lots of people do - BPA's, cancer from everything, numbers in my food, the latest scary research on X.Y & Z, kids falling, mysterious rashes, serious sounding coughs. I'm an 'it'll be alright kind of gal' in many many ways but when it comes to being pregnant I'm a nervous wreck.
I have every right to be - I have a very checkered history. My first son died in utero at 26 weeks and my beautiful boy Noah was born healthy but after a very tumultuous pregnancy with multiple scares along the way.
I know this pregnancy could be perfect - logic tells me this. My inner worrier lies awake at night thinking about what could happen. I have unexplained blood and autoimmune 'things' that nobody is really sure about. The Dr's are constantly guessing at what caused Banjo's death. In the end it could have been a one off freak of nature but they're not sure so we test everything and monitor everything just in case. It's a nightmare.
I wish for the innocence of those first 26 weeks of my first pregnancy. I was just swanning around without a care in the world. Ignorance really is bliss.
Today I had a scan. I have them scheduled every 2 weeks. My doctor is happy for me to go in earlier if I am feeling worried. This time I lasted 8 days.
Each time I see that little heart beating I am reassured - for a couple of days I am full of confidence then the niggling doubts creep in.
I wish I could enjoy the ride but I really just want a healthy baby in my arms to make our family complete.
It shouldn't be this hard.